I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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