Jerry, you need to find god
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm sobbing to NWA
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
