Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
