my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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