Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
