Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
