Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize