Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
