I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
