Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
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