u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
