She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize