Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize