I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
