New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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