The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize