The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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