How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
