this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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