i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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