The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
