Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
