i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
