fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
