I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
