i just sent this text using only my big toe
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
