Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize