There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
