Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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