quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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