dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
