I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
