20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm bleeding and have questions
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