I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
