i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
