i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
