Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
