It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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