I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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