I skipped work to stalk him.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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