yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
