yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
there's paper in my vomit.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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