Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Shame - the story of my life.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
