hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
