Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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