I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Randomize
