So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
