Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
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