It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
