I cockslap morals
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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