Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
