i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
