I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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