I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
