i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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