Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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